When I got out of graduate school,
I applied to a Christian college,
Where I found it was the golden rule
To integrate faith and knowledge.
Worldviews that did with this conflict,
I poked 'em full of holes, sir;
And my concern was very strict
To save my students' souls, sir.
Refrain: And to this rule I shall agree
Until I am a wraith, sir;
That whoever shall give a job to me,
I'll sign their statement of faith, sir.
When tenure time was coming round,
My prospects seemed uncertain.
So I took myself to Baptist ground
And turned my Wesleyan shirt in.
Now I professed with shining face
And those who added works to grace
I damned to fires infernal.
But when I got a research grant
To study natural law, sir,
The merits of the Catholic stand
Immediately I saw, sir.
The Eucharist I now embraced,
Sola fide was deception;
And I proclaimed with steadfast faith
But when my monograph came out,
And Harvard came a-wooing,
Church dogma I began to doubt,
'Twas all Pope Benedict's doing.
So I made myself a shining name
In the field of gender studies,
And wrote some essays to great acclaim
About transsexual bodies.
Now I was tenured, safe and sound,
After much toil and grieving;
I thought it was high time I found
What truly I believed in.
My great surprise I still recall
When I looked into my soul, sir,
To find there was nothing there at all,
Not even a God-shaped hole, sir.